Monday, February 20, 2012

Does this story sound good or bad?

This is the first chapter of my novel the quest for a new me. I am just starting and would love it if you guys could give me some advice on what you think.



Chapter one” Betty’s secret

Betty sat at a small table, by the window in the little cafe, two blocks from her work place. She took the last delicious bite of her Ultimate Triple Cheese Burger. Using a white paper napkin, she removed the last traces of mayonnaise and ketchup from her mouth. Sighing in satisfaction, she collected her black purse and red plaid jacket, leaving a small tip behind, and left through the bright red door.

Looking all around her to make sure that she didn’t see anyone that she knew, she hurried across the street to the Go Green store, where she waited in line. Upon reaching the counter, she ordered the large mixed green salad to go, paid for it and then left the store.

Hurrying through the almost empty sidewalk she entered into her office building.

“Hi Susan, how was your lunch break?”

“Great, I went to the burger shop down the street and had the regular hamburger, how was your break?” Susan asked.

“My was great, expect that I had to wait in line for my mixed green salad for about fifteen minutes.” Betty said.

“Oh, I’m sorry, it is never fun to have to wait in line when you’re hungry!”

“I know.” Betty was about to say something else when the boss called her name.

“Betty, I need to see you in my office right now.”

“Coming boss, see you later Susan.” Betty called.

She walked through the hallway and into the boss’ office.

The boss was a plump middle aged man, who had the largest office in the building. He was sitting behind a large wooden desk on a large black chair. He was sitting in front of his computer and you could hear the typing of the keys.

Knocking on the boss’ door,“You wanted to see me boss,” Betty asked.

“Yes, please have a seat,” he said pointing to the chair in front of his desk. She sat down wondering what was going on.

“You know that we have a wedding coming up that is one of the biggest events in this town that you are supposed to be getting ready for right?”

“Yes, boss,” she said playing with her fingernails, ‘I know when the deadline is.”

“Then why are you fooling around?”He said sharply.

“I’m not boss, she said, I take my job very seriously!”

“Right now I’m not seeing that, and if it doesn’t improve in two weeks then I will have to let you go!”

She looked shocked and hanging her head.

“Also I want to see and copy of the news story so send me a copy right away.”

She said, “Yes boss.” She got up from the chair and left. Feeling down she headed into her small office. She laid her head down on her desk and tried not to cry.

Looking around she took the key form her keychain and used it to open the top drawer in her desk.

Hidden inside was chocolate bars, jelly beans, mint and strawberry gum, and a small bag of white chocolate macadamia nut cookies.

She grabbed a chocolate bar and unwrapped it. Hiding the wrapper in her purse, she took a small bite. Closing her eyes with pure pleasure, she took another bite. She ate it quickly enjoying each wonderful bite. Taking a napkin from her open desk drawer she wiped her mouth and hands to remove any trace of her snack. Then she turned to her computer to get ready to send off her news story to her boss.Does this story sound good or bad?
The writing itself is good and you've got a good start here, but I agree with the first answer. It needs some kind of hook or for something to happen to the character right away in order to keep the reader reading. I like that you start it at lunch, but then she's just kind of going about her day and the only unusual thing is her boss threatens her. I didn't get that she'd been slacking off at work, so it seemed to come from out of the blue. Maybe foreshadow a little?

I'm also dying to know what her secret is or is the secret her food addiction? In that case, take it to a ten and make it a real problem. For instance when she's eating the burger, maybe someone comments on how fast she finished it. The boss could have more personality too - maybe he's a real jerk and he's never liked her. Maybe he's really snide when threatening her. Maybe he's a small man with a shiny bald head who squeaks when he talks. Anyway, it's an interesting start. Good luck!Does this story sound good or bad?
It's really good writing. It wasn't like some people who have little or too much detail. The only problem is that it needs a catch. This is just about an middle-aged office lady. Not a lot of people want to read about that.Does this story sound good or bad?
It seems like a good first chapter, and I don't see any spelling errors. However, there are some inconsistencies that you need to know about if you want to be taken seriously.



When one person talks to another person using their name, you have to use a comma: "Hi, Susan, how was your lunch break?" and "I’m not, Boss," she said, "I take my job very seriously!"



As for the "boss" thing, that seems incredibly informal. Boss is a term used usually in the third person: "That's my boss, Mr. Smith." When an employee speaks to their boss, they usually call them Mr. or Mrs. Smith (or whatever their last name is) unless the employer says otherwise: "Hello, Mr. Smith. This is my friend, Susan."



Learn the use of colons, semi-colons, and commas. Those three tools take time to learn how to use properly, but when you do, it makes your writing seem a lot more professional. :)



You seem to use quotation marks (") and apostrophes (') interchangeably. This is confusing for the reader because they mean different things. Read these articles on how to use them properly:



http://www.englishforums.com/English/Mec…



http://www.blinn.edu/humanities/writingr…





In conclusion, your story has a lot of potential, but the punctuation errors take away from the message. Keep practicing, and get the help of a friend or family member to proofread your work! Good luck!

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