Help! I think I'm really screwed up. Advice?

When I was 19 I was a total mess. My mum was a single mum and I didnt see my dad anymore because he used to hit me.



I had no self esteem and I felt really alone because my mum had 2 much younger kids and she couldnt really give me what I needed emotionally. She also drank heavily for 2 years and even called child protective services and told them to take the other kids away. I basically had to hold my family together during this.



I started binge drinking, taking overdoses of pills and I felt so alone and lost.



When i was 19 i met a 30 year old guy. I wasnt attracted to his looks at all but he was really nice to me so i decided to date him.



I was basically a huge mess and i wanted someone to look after me and he offered me that. I dated him even though i wasnt attracted because i had huge emotional problems and i just needed someone mature to help me deal with them.



He let me move in with him, financially supported me and gave me heaps of emotional support when I was down. But i was too embarassed to introduce him to my friends and i felt like a loser dating a guy that much older.



I was basically a suicidal mess when i met him. I was doing things like sleeping in a back lane at night to get away from my mum.



I kind of regret dating him for some reasons - because I wasnt really attracted although I did start loving him because he was really nice to me and basically did anything for me.



I had no self esteem and I was working in a burger shop and he helped me believe in myself and get into university and I even came top of my university because I finally had someone who loved me unconditionally. At the time i just felt i didnt have a choice - i was going to end up dead if i didnt find someone to take care of me.



Do you think I'm very screwed up for what I did? I did end up loving him but I do feel bad that I basically needed someone to take care of me and the relationship was based on that.Help! I think I'm really screwed up. Advice?
First of all....WOW, you are very brave and amazing person to have gone through this and end up with Uni under your belt, so I want to say well done!

Secondly, have you chatted with your boyfriend about this? he will probably take it well being of that age...If you love him deep down then thats all that matters, it sounds like he loves you to bits and thats really good...Usually I would say going out with someone as a Father Figure (which is pretty much what happened) is not a good idea, but under the circumstances I thinks its great of him to have been there for you and I think that love does grow and you have ended up loving him, so its all good...if you were unsure of the relationship and still didnt really like him then you should tell him asap...but now that you are in love with him its ok... do you make love? are you deeply in love, the kind of love that you think about them now and then through the day, you cant wait to see them again...etc etc? OR..are you confusing love with something else? like this father figure type? or a plutonic kind of love? I would say that if you are having sex and making love then you should know in your heart then, it either feels good and you love making love, or if it feels weired and you cant wait for it to finish then I think there is an issue and you may love him on a different level to actually being in love.....bit of a mess with my sentances there but you get what I am saying?



But seriosuly, you have become a strong person out of this and you should be even stronger and make up you mind about what you want out of life and if it has him in your life as a lover, friend, or whatever, then you need to decide because it may break his heart to hear this further down the track..I dont know but thats all I can say, hope you are ok and I hope you two will be fine....Good luck!Help! I think I'm really screwed up. Advice?
Woh... and I though I was a mess...